Boogers On My Shirt

Hey all,

It’s been a hot minute since I wrote a blog post. I say this constantly, but I really want to blog more. I usually spend time perusing social media and shopping on Poshmark, and I’m trying to come up with a more creative outlet… so here goes.

Yesterday (Sunday), EJ woke up early, had milk, and came back to bed with me for snuggles. We woke up leisurely and got to hang out all day. We practiced his new words “fish, dog, nana (banana), ” I got to see him try and eat with a spoon, and we snuggled A LOT. He has had a cold for about a week now, so I ended up with a lot of boogers on my shirt. But you know what? I didn’t even care.

Today (Monday), I had to wake up early in order to get ready for work. I had to pretend I was well-rested and create the illusion that I had my shit together. I was doing my makeup when our nanny arrived, and shortly after- the baby woke up. She went to get him and he was in hysterics because he wanted me. I was a lot later than I wanted to be leaving the house, because I was trying to get a few precious moments in. When I get home from work, I only get 3 hours with him before he goes to bed. I pried his little hands off my neck and handed him to the nanny while trying to ignore the heaviness in my chest while he cried. Then, I sat in my car for an hour on my commute to work and wished I was with him.

Ever since Billy mentioned the possibility of me eventually being a SAHM a few weeks ago, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. Those of you who knew me pre-baby are probably thinking: “Who are you and what have you done with Emilie?” I have ALWAYS been a workhorse. Up until I landed my current job, I had always worked 2 almost full-time jobs. I got bored on weekends if I wasn’t working, and often volunteered to pick up extra shifts. Even after I had EJ, I wanted to go back to work. That might have been the PPD/PTSD talking, but I really wanted to go back.

The thing about going back to work after you have a baby, is that no one talks about the guilt. If you stay home, you feel guilty for not working/not contributing monetarily. If you work, you feel guilty for not spending enough time with your child. If you work from home, you feel guilty for not being present enough. If you leave work early to go to your child’s pediatrician appointment, you feel guilty for being a sub-par employee. The guilt is literally never-ending.

In a perfect world, I would work part-time (blogging, perhaps?), and be a SAHM/Domestic Goddess. I would Pinterest until the cows came home about fun and educational toddler activities. EJ and I would schedule play dates with Lewis and Felix (our friends whose mamas stay home), and we’d visit new toddler attractions around town (and blog about them!) I’d be able to pick Hank up from school every day, make him an after school snack, and help him with his homework.

Driving home from work today, I called my mom. Moms make everything better, and my mom has no problem giving me a swift kick in the butt to keep me in check. Her first words were “I know it’s hard…” then, she told me to put on my big girl panties and think about the positives of working. My employer provides health insurance for our family. My company helped to provide the means for us to purchase a home and to pay for our upcoming wedding. In reality, I have it really great. I do love my company. It’s innovative, it’s a fun place to work, and I really love what my team is doing. When I told her how I was feeling today, my friend Alicia said “maybe it’s one of those ‘grass is greener’ type situations.” Maybe it is. Maybe I was just having a bad day, but today; I would’ve killed to have had boogers on my shirt.